Questions About...

Veterans Burial

Cremation

Costs

Other Frequently Asked Questions:

Veterans Burial

Are all U.S. veterans eligible for burial in Arlington National Cemetery?

No. Space is limited to only those who meet the criteria of Arlington National Cemetery.

Are all U.S. veterans who reside in New Jersey eligible for burial in state veterans’ cemetery?

In order for a veteran to be buried in New Jersey’s Brigadier General William C. Doyle Veterans’ Memorial Cemetery in Arneytown, he/she must meet the following eligibility requirements:

• a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps or Coast Guard) whose last active service ended under other than dishonorable or undesirable conditions.
• a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces who died while on active duty.
• a member of a reserve component of the U.S. Armed Forces who died under honorable conditions while on active duty for training or performing full-time service.
• must have been a legal resident of New Jersey for at least two years immediately prior to their death or a legal resident of the state for at least 50 percent of his or her life.

When the time comes, how can I arrange to be buried in the N.J. veterans’ cemetery?

Request for burial in the cemetery may be made at the time of death through a funeral director. It may not be reserved prior to need. The person making the funeral arrangements must submit proof of the veteran’s honorable service and legal residence in New Jersey. Proof of service would be the veteran’s discharge papers, or DD214. Proof of residency can be established by the deceased’s driver’s license, continuous phone bills, history of property tax payment or any type record that indicates the deceased lived in the state.

You can visit the New Jersey State website for further information.

Can non-veterans be buried in the state veteran’s cemetery?

The only non-veterans who may be buried in the Brigadier General William C. Doyle Veterans’ Memorial Cemetery in Arneytown are the veteran’s spouse, unmarried children under 21 and unmarried adult children over 21 who became incapable of self-support before age 21 because of mental or physical impairment (limited to 2 children per veteran).

How much does it cost to be buried in the Brigadier General William C. Doyle Veterans’ Memorial Cemetery?

Eligible veterans receive a plot for him or her self, and eligible dependents, a grave liner, interment service, use of the chapel, a U.S. bronze grave marker and granite base and grave maintenance in perpetuity at no charge.

Cremation

PLEASE NOTE: These questions and answers are provided in a manner-of-fact manner. Please contact us if you feel this format may be disturbing.

Do all religions permit cremation?

Some religions prefer cremation; some do not recommend the practice; most permit you to choose. Should you have any questions or concerns, we suggest you speak with a member of your clergy.

As a Catholic may I be cremated?

In May, 1963, the Vatican’s Holy Office (now the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith) lifted the prohibition forbidding Catholics to choose cremation. This permission was incorporated into the revised Code of Canon law of 1983 (Canon #1176), as a well as into the Order of Christian Funerals. It then became standard practice to celebrate the funeral liturgies with the body and then take the body to the crematorium. Most recently the bishops of the United States and the Holy See have authorized the celebration of a Catholic funeral liturgy with the cremated remains when the body is cremated before the funeral.

Can I take the cremated remains home?

Yes. The remains are normally placed in an urn. Most families select an urn that is suitable for placement on a mantle or shelf. Urns are available in a variety of shapes, sizes and materials. How big of a price difference is there with cremation compared to standard ground burial?

If I am cremated, can I be buried with my spouse even if he or she was in a casket?

Yes - Depending upon the cemetery's policy, you may be able to save a grave space by having the cremains buried on top of your casketed spouse, or utilize the space provided next to him/her. Many cemeteries allow for multiple cremains to be interred in a single grave space.

Why is having a place to visit so important?

Because it provides a focal point for memorializing the deceased. To remember, and be remembered, are natural human needs. Throughout human history, memorialization of the dead has been a key component of almost every culture. The Washington Monument, Tomb of the Unknowns and Vietnam "Wall" in Washington, D.C are examples of memorialization which demonstrate that, throughout our history, we have always honored our dead. Psychologists say that remembrance practices, from the funeral or memorial service to permanent memorialization, serve an important emotional function for survivors by helping to bring closure and allowing the healing process to begin. Providing a permanent resting place for the deceased is a dignified treatment for a loved one's mortal remains, which fulfills the natural human desire for memorialization.

If I were going to be cremated, why would I want my remains to be placed in a columbarium, or interred or scattered at the cemetery? Why shouldn't I just have them scattered in the sea or in some other place of my choosing?

As long as it is permitted by local regulations, your cremated remains can be scattered in a place that is meaningful to you. This can, however, present difficulties for your survivors. Some people may find it hard to simply pour the mortal remains of a loved one out onto the ground or into the sea. If you wish to be scattered somewhere, it is therefore important to discuss your wishes ahead of time with the person or persons who will actually have to do the scattering. Another difficulty with scattering can occur when the remains are disposed of in an anonymous, unmarked or public place. Access to the area may be restricted for some reason in the future, undeveloped land may be developed, or any of a host of other conditions may arise that could make it difficult for your survivors to visit the site to remember you. Even if your cremated remains are scattered in your backyard, what happens if your survivors relocate sometime in the future? Once scattered, cremated remains cannot easily be collected back up. Having your remains placed, interred or scattered on a cemetery's grounds ensures that future generations will have a place to go to remember. If remains are scattered somewhere outside the cemetery, many cemeteries will allow you to place a memorial of some type on the cemetery grounds, so survivors have a place to visit that will always be maintained and preserved.

What is a columbarium?

A columbarium, often located within a mausoleum or chapel, sometimes free-standing, either indoor or outdoor, is constructed of numerous small compartments (niches) designed to hold urns containing cremated remains.

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What is memorialization for a cremation?

You might choose ground burial of the urn. If so, you may usually choose either a bronze memorial or monument. Also available at many cemeteries are cremation niches in columbariums. They offer the beauty of a mausoleum setting with the benefits of above ground placement of remains. Many cemeteries also offer scattering gardens. This area of a cemetery offers the peacefulness of a serene garden where family and friends can come and reflect.

Can I scatter the remains on private property?

Yes, with permission of the owner.

What can be done with the cremated remains?

With cremation, your options are numerous. The cremains can be interred in a cemetery plot, i.e., earth burial, retained by a family member, usually in an urn, scattered on private property, or at a place that was significant to the deceased. (It would always be advisable to check for local regulations regarding scattering in a public place.) Cremation is just one step in the commemorative process-the preparation of the human remains for memorialization. Today, there are many different types of memorial options from which to choose. Memorialization is a time-honored tradition that has been practiced for centuries. A memorial serves as a tribute to a life lived and provides a focal point for remembrance, as well as a record for future generations. The type of memorial you choose is a personal decision. The limit is set only by your imagination.

Can we have the service before or after the cremation?

It's completely a matter of family preference. Many times when a family is split regarding the decision to cremate, a compromise may be achieved by having a traditional service first - to be followed by cremation.

Do I have to make different funeral arrangements if I chose cremation?

It really depends entirely on how you wish to commemorate a life. One of the advantages of cremation is that it provides you with increased flexibility when you make your funeral and cemetery arrangements. You might, for example, choose to have a funeral service before the cremation; a memorial service at the time of cremation or after the cremation with the urn present; or a committal service at the final disposition of cremated remains. Funeral or memorial services can be held in a place of worship, a funeral home or in a crematorium chapel.

Is cremation a substitution for a funeral?

No, cremation is simply a method of preparing human remains for final disposition.

Do all funeral homes and cemeteries have a crematory?

No - actually only a small percentage of cremation service providers have their own cremation units.

Can I witness the cremation?

Arrangements can usually be made through the Cremation Authorization Form for relatives or representatives of the deceased to witness the cremation.

Can I bring my own urn?

Yes - It would be advisable that you discuss this situation with your cremation provider prior to the cremation. The size of your urn will be of great importance if you plan to have your loved one's entire cremated body included in this container.

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Can a casket be rented instead of purchased when choosing cremation?

Many funeral homes offer a hardwood ceremonial casket for viewing or funeral services prior to cremation. The ceremonial (or rental) casket is specifically designed to provide a very aesthetically pleasing, affordable and environmentally prudent alternative to purchasing a casket for a cremation service.

Are there special cremation caskets?

There is a choice of very affordable cremation caskets that are completely combustible. The selection includes options from a plain cardboard container to a hardwood casket.

Is a casket required?

No. For sanitary reasons, ease of placement and dignity, many cremations require that the deceased be cremated in a combustible, leak proof, rigid, covered container. This does not need to be a casket as such. What is required is an enclosed, rigid, container made of wood or other combustible material to allow for the dignified handling of human remains. The type of casket or container selected is really a personal decision; Caskets and containers are available in a wide variety of materials ranging from simple cardboard containers to beautifully handcrafted oak, maple or mahogany caskets.

Is embalming necessary for cremation?

No. It is your choice. It may depend on such factors as: 1. Whether the family selected a service with a public viewing of the body with an open casket. 2. It will enhance the deceased's appearance for a private family viewing, if the body is going to be transported by air or rail, or because of the length of time prior to the cremation.

Why is refrigeration of the remains necessary?

Due to the irreversible nature of cremation, most states require a waiting period before the actual process may begin. Refrigeration is the only alternative available, other than embalming, that will retard tissue decomposition. Refrigeration is a necessity that protects family and friends, the crematory operator and the general public from potential health hazards.

Is it true that the bones are crushed after cremation? I've heard you don't get ashes back -- what do you get?

A complete cremation is a two-step process. Firstly, the actual exposure of the deceased to several hours of intense heat and flame; after which the remains are mostly ash except for certain bone fragments, then the entire remaining ash and fragment volume is gathered and run through a processor, creating a uniform powder-like texture.

Is any other preparation required prior to cremation?

It is essential that pacemakers and other medical devices be removed prior to cremation. They may explode when subjected to high temperature, which can be hazardous to crematorium staff and equipment. In addition, any special mementos, such as jewelry, will be destroyed during the cremation process. Anything you wish to keep should be removed by the funeral director before the casket or container is transferred to the crematorium.

Are cremations done individually?

Yes. Laws require that only one casket or container be cremated at a time.

What happens during the cremation process?

The casket or container is placed in the cremation chamber, where the temperature is raised to approximately 1600 degrees to 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. After approximately, 2 to 2 1/2 hours, all organic matter is consumed by heat or evaporates. The residue left is bone fragments, known as cremated remains. The cremated remains are then carefully removed from the cremation chamber. Any metal is removed with a magnet and later disposed of in cemetery grounds. The cremated remains are then processed into fine particles and are placed in the container provided by the crematorium or placed in an urn purchased by the family. The entire process takes approximately three hours. Throughout the cremation process, a carefully controlled labeling system ensures correct identification.

Q. How soon after death can the body be cremated?

A. Regardless of how quickly family members may wish the decedent to be cremated, state law requires that the person must be dead for at least 24 hours before the body may be cremated.

Costs

Personal and religious preferences and budget are all factors in the cost of a funeral. Of course the more elaborate the funeral, the more it will cost. Your licensed funeral director will work with you to meet your needs and budget. When you speak with him or her, you will receive a current price list of all funeral services and goods called a General Price List or GPL. Unlike cemeteries and casket stores, funeral directors are governed by a strict set of laws that protect consumers. Those laws mean that when you make arrangements with a funeral director, you can do so with confidence.

Paying for the Funeral

Here are some things to consider when paying for a funeral:

• At the Time of Death

  If you are arranging a funeral now for someone who has just died, check to see if he or she has a prepaid prearrangement with a funeral home. Look for a prepaid funeral arrangement contract among their important papers, or question the funeral director to see if they have a prepaid funeral agreement with the deceased on file.

  If there is no prearrangement, check for life insurance policies, a will, checking account statements and savings account passbooks. Determine if you are able, who will benefit from these funds and if that person intends to pay for the funeral. In the case of life insurance policies, the named beneficiary can assign insurance proceeds to the funeral home. The insurance company then sends any proceeds in excess of the actual cost of the funeral to the beneficiary, following payment of all funeral costs.
  

• For Welfare Recipients

  If the deceased was a recipient of a state welfare program, such as General Assistance or another state welfare program, such as Aid to Dependent Children, you will need to let the funeral director know.

  The New Jersey Department of Human Services (DHS) may pay for the funeral of a deceased welfare recipient up to a maximum of $2,246 for the funeral and $524 for the burial or cremation. It also allows families, friends and other interested parties to supplement the state’s maximum welfare funeral and burial payments by up to $1,570, to a maximum combined payment of $4,340.

  These supplemental funds can not be a resource of the deceased. Any resources of the deceased will reduce the state’s payment for the funeral.

  Additionally, recipients of Medicaid Only, Medically Needy, Alternative Family Care, Community Care Program for the Elderly and Disabled, the Community Alternative Program, the New Jersey Care Special Medicaid Program for Aged, Blind and Disabled and a few other state assistance programs are eligible for outside supplementation as well. In New Jersey, your funeral director can explain the details and put you in contact with your county Department of Human Services’ office.
  

• Survivors Benefits

  Survivors of deceased workers covered by Social Security may be entitled to Social Security Administration survivor benefits. The benefits depend on length of employment and the age of the worker at the time of death. A widow or widower, unmarried children, disabled children, and dependent parents may be eligible.

  A lump sum death payment of $255 may be paid to the surviving spouse for funeral expenses, in addition to monthly cash benefits. Application can be made at any Social Security Office or ask your funeral director, who can provide further details and help you file the appropriate paperwork.
  

• Veterans Benefits

  Eligibility for burial in a Veterans Affairs (VA) national/state cemetery is based on length of time in active military service, and the nature of the veteran's separation from the service. Burial is limited to specific categories of military personnel and veterans. Ask your funeral director for up-to-date information on flags, markers, military services and VA cemeteries. For further information call the Department of Veterans Affairs at 800-827-1000 or visit the Military Funeral Honors website.

Other Frequently Asked Questions

MAKING FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

When a death occurs there are immediate choices that must be made regarding final disposition of the body. These choices are driven by personal preferences, religious beliefs and budget, as well as by certain legal requirements. They include body or organ donation, viewing or no viewing, the type of service, embalming, burial or cremation and place of final disposition.

Many people today are prearranging and prefunding their funerals. Doing so means the family will not have to make important decisions or secure funds in a time of extreme stress - and that the funeral reflects the wishes of the deceased and the family.

Who is in charge of making the funeral arrangements? Is it the executor of the estate?

Being named executor, in and of itself, does not necessarily confer the right to control a deceased person’s funeral. The individual’s spouse, or certain relatives, according to their “blood” relationship with the deceased, have the legal right to make the funeral arrangements, unless the deceased has left other written directions. (Being named in a will to handle the person’s funeral could be considered “other directions” by the court.) However, since the executor of an estate usually pays for the funeral, the individual with the legal right to make the arrangements (if he or she is not the executor) may wish to confer with or allow the executor to make the funeral arrangements.

If not the executor, then who does have the legal right to make funeral arrangements for a deceased individual?

New Jersey law says that the deceased person’s spouse has the primary right to control the funeral arrangements. If there is no spouse, arranging the funeral falls to the deceased’s relatives in this order:

• a majority of the surviving children
• if there are no children, then the parent or parents of the deceased
• if there are no parents, then a majority of the deceased’s brothers and sisters
• if there are no siblings, then next of kin, according to how closely they are related to the deceased

However, no one listed here has to make the funeral arrangements. Whoever is, by law, in charge of the disposition of the body may relinquish control to someone who expresses interest in planning the funeral. In most cases, the person who contracts to pay for the funeral makes the funeral arrangements. If there is another individual with more “right” to plan the funeral, that person will usually work with, or relinquish control to, the person assuming the financial responsibility.

What happens if a majority of the children of the deceased agree to pay for the funeral, but cannot agree on the arrangements?

If there is no way an agreement can be reached, a court may have to appoint one of the children to be in charge of the funeral arrangements.

BURIAL

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

No. New Jersey law states that a funeral director must be present during an interment (burial), disinterment (removal from a grave), cremation or any other disposition of a dead human body.

Are bodies really buried “6 feet under”?

No. New Jersey law requires that the top of the casket or burial container be at least four feet below the natural ground surface and then covered with four feet of dirt. But, if the casket is first placed in a properly constructed private vault, no depth requirements apply.

Can I bury my relatives in my backyard?

Realistically? Not in New Jersey. First you have to apply for, and be granted, a certificate of authority from the state cemetery board and then sold certificates of indebtedness. You must then incorporate as a cemetery company, which one person cannot do on his own. And, if you are able to gather together some relatives and incorporate, your family would also have to be a charitable trust. This means that your family would not own it, only manage it. It is so complicated and involved that, in almost all cases, it is just easier and more convenient to purchase a family plot in your local cemetery.

EMBALMING

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

PLEASE NOTE: These questions and answers are provided in a manner-of-fact manner. Please contact us if you feel this format may be disturbing.

The practice of embalming has existed since early history throughout many lands and cultures. In the United States, the vast majority of bodies are embalmed, yet few people understand how and why we embalm our dead.

Purpose of Embalming

Embalming disinfects, temporarily preserves and restores, to an acceptable physical appearance, a dead human body. As human remains begin to decompose almost immediately after death, thereby offering an ideal environment for microbial growth, untreated remains pose a public health concern. While embalming sanitizes the body, it also retards decomposition, thereby temporarily preserving the body. In view of America's highly mobile society, embalming permits friends and family to travel great distances, often several days after a death, to attend the funeral ceremony and allows the body to be buried at some place other than where death occurred. Additionally, embalming restores the body to an acceptable physical appearance for viewing following a traumatic death or devastating illness. Many bereavement experts agree that viewing the deceased confirms the reality of death and helps survivors take an important step toward recovering from their loss. Certain religious beliefs may prohibit embalming or place restrictions on its practice. Consult your clergyperson or funeral director if you have questions or concerns about embalming and your religious beliefs.

The Embalming Process

The embalming process begins with the thorough washing and disinfection of the body. The mouth, nose and other openings are sanitized and closed to prevent excretions which could be a source of disease or infection. Embalming chemicals are then injected into the body through one or more accessible arteries, while body fluids are drained through corresponding veins. Embalming chemicals kill bacteria and temporarily preserve the body by altering the physical structure of the body's proteins. A latticework of inert, firm protein is created that can no longer serve as a host for bacteria or be acted upon by enzymes. Thus the decomposition process is retarded and the body is sanitized and temporarily preserved.

Legal Matters

Embalming is not routinely required by law, but may be necessary if death is due to certain diseases; if final disposition is not made within a prescribed period of time; if refrigeration or immediate burial is not available; or if a body is to be transported between states or internationally in a common carrier. Some states require embalming for transportation within the state, beyond the place where death occurred. Funeral directors may require embalming if the funeral ceremony selected by a family includes viewing and are generally required to ask permission of the deceased's next-of-kin verbally or in writing before embalming. Ask your funeral director to explain any specific laws, policies or circumstances that will influence your decisions regarding embalming.

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CHILDREN AND DEATH

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

Telling a Child About Death

When a death occurs, someone close to the child like a parent or grandparent should explain as soon as possible that a death has occurred. News of a death travels quickly, and parents who delay telling the children run the risk that they'll hear about it from friends. By trying to avoid hurting children, you could expose them to a bigger shock later. Once you've told your child that someone has died, you need to explain what will happen next. Talk about the wake or visitation if there will be one, about the funeral ceremony and about burial. Your child will likely have many questions. What a child will want to know depends on his or her age and any previous experience with death. Generally, preschoolers don't understand that death is final; they many ask, "When is Grandma coming back?" After all, cartoon characters on TV are killed every week, only to return again. Children at play say, "Bang, you're dead," knowing that the "dead" person can get up and walk away any time. Between ages five and ten, children come to understand that death is final—but they may believe only old people and accident victims die. If a relatively young person dies, children in this age group may demand to know why. Past the age of ten, children begin to understand that death is part of the natural order of things, and that people die at all ages for a number of reasons. It's also important to answer all questions as simply and honestly as possible. Don't say, "Grandpa went to sleep forever." The children may be terrified of falling asleep and never waking. Don't say, "God loved your daddy so much, He called him back to heaven." Your child may be angry at God or fear being taken. If a child asks, "Why did Uncle John have a heart attack?" and you don't know, just say so. Children should also be reassured that, although a parent has died, the other parent will still be here; that the child will still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and go to the same school. However, children have some naive ideas about death that you should address without being asked. Children often conclude that they somehow caused the death. They may think, "I was bad, so Mommy left," or "I wished my sister would die, and she did." Tell your child it's not his or her fault that someone died. If a loved one—especially a brother or sister—died of a disease, reassure the child that he or she is healthy and won't die of the same disease.

A Child's Reactions to Death

Children are people, and in many ways they react to death like the rest of us. They may feel shock or deny at first that death has occurred. They may become angry and blame others for the death, or become angry at the person who died for leaving. They may feel guilty for not being "good" to the person who died, and they may become depressed. Children can also react to death in surprising and erratic ways. They may greet the news of a loved one's death with nothing more than a shrug, then express their grief in subtle ways later. They may regress and begin sucking their thumbs, wetting the bed, or otherwise acting like infants. They may become hostile with playmates, or they may express their grief and anger by treating their toys violently. They may imagine or pretend that they are dying. They may exhibit curiosity about the hearse, casket, vault and grave. This is just normal curiosity. In short, there is no "normal" or correct way for children to grieve.

Helping a Child Cope with Death

Like adults, children need to grieve, to accept that death has occurred and get on with their lives. Your child will take cues from you, so don't be afraid to express your own grief. Cry and let your child cry with you. Don't tell your child to "be brave, don't cry." This is a sad situation, and the child needs to express his or her sadness. Talk to your child, and encourage him or her to talk as well. Show the child that it's okay by talking about the deceased. Even if your child is too young to talk about the death, you can still share your emotions. Hugging and touching will comfort young children who can sense anguish in the family, even if they don't understand what has happened. Children surrounded by sadness need to be assured that they are loved. It's a good idea to take your child to the funeral, but don't force him or her to go. A funeral serves a number of psychological purposes for children as well as adults. Children, like adults, need to share their grief. The funeral provides a focus for grief, allowing people to come together and express their feelings. Funerals give meaning to the experience of death and can be an important lesson for children. Children should receive a careful explanation of the funeral before they decide whether or not to attend. If the decision is to attend, then the parent must provide an even more descriptive explanation of what will happen at the funeral. If you try to protect your child by keeping him or her away from the funeral, you will likely make the child feel shut out or rejected. Children need to understand on an emotional level that death has occurred. A funeral is an important step in confirming that death has occurred, and people who don't attend the funeral of a loved one sometimes suffer from unresolved grief later. Remember, your child's relationship to the deceased hasn't ended—only changed. After the funeral, keep pictures and other reminders of the deceased around to spark conversations with your child. This will help form a new set of emotional bonds with the person who died. It's very difficult to say when a child needs counseling to overcome unresolved grief. The grief process is not a series of neat, separate stages; it is more like an emotional rollercoaster ride. Feelings of depression or anger or sadness can come roaring back months after the death. However, if a child seems beset by prolonged anger, denial, sickness or listlessness, it is a good idea to seek counseling. Ask your pediatrician or clergyperson to suggest a child counselor who has experience with grief therapy. Your funeral director can also help guide you to qualified counselors.

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WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP?

(from the National Funeral Directors Association)

Death is difficult to accept. When a loved one dies, we feel angry, confused or emotionally numb. We experience grief, which though painful, is a necessary part of the transition and healing process that allows us to separate ourselves from the deceased.

The funeral ritual helps survivors to begin healing by focusing their emotions and bringing meaning to the experience of death. A funeral gives mourners "permission" to express feelings of sadness and loss.

The funeral ritual has existed since the beginning of civilization, resulting in varying funeral customs worldwide. When someone dies, the family, the family's clergyperson and funeral director and other mourners all have roles they are expected to fulfill.

The Family's Role

After a death, the family's first responsibility is to make phone calls. They need to immediately notify their doctor, if he or she isn't already present, perhaps the medical examiner, and their funeral director. They may also want to call their clergyperson right away.

After the professional calls are made, the family must make sure friends and relatives are told of the death, although they need not make all the calls themselves. The people in the inner circle of the family—parents, grandparents, children and siblings of the deceased—should be notified personally. It isn't practical for the family to call everyone. News of a death travels quickly, and friends or distant relatives will probably be told of the death before the immediate family can reach them.

After the calls are made, the family consults with the funeral director and clergy—person to plan the funeral, choose pallbearers and send out funeral notifications. These responsibilities serve an important purpose because they help confirm the reality of death.

The Role of a Funeral Director

From the hour of death until the deceased's final disposition, the funeral director helps families through a difficult time. The funeral director serves as an adviser, an administrator, a supporter and a caregiver.

When the funeral director is called, one of his or her first responsibilities is to bring the deceased person's body to the funeral home. The funeral director also secures information for the deceased person's death certificate, which is then completed and filed with the proper legal authorities.

The funeral director meets with the family to discuss arrangements for a visitation, if the family requests one, and a funeral. In accordance with law, custom and especially the family's wishes, the funeral director helps them choose the place, time and type of service, and any other funeral arrangements. The funeral director provides convenient access to a choice of casket or other burial container, a memorial stone or appropriate marker, and alternatives of final disposition—usually burial, cremation or entombment. He or she also offers other considerations from which the family may select, and explains these so that the family may select appropriately.

On the day of the funeral, the funeral director attends to a number of ceremonial and administrative details as well as to logistical matters such as transportation. Both before and after the service, the funeral director helps the family complete necessary paperwork, including obituary notices and claim forms for social security, veteran's and union benefits and insurance. Because the emotional impact of death often makes it difficult to concentrate on the details of legal forms, the funeral director's help in this area is especially appreciated by grieving families.

The funeral director can also answer questions about coping with death, recognize when a person is having difficulty accepting the loss of a loved one and recommend sources of professional counseling for those who need it.

The Clergyperson's Role

The clergyperson also is responsible for the ritualistic dimension of the funeral. This varies a great deal from church to church as some churches have more prescribed funeral ceremonies than others. Clergy often work from denomination books of worship or may write more personalized services. In that case, the family is often asked if there are favorite hymns or scripture passages they want included.

If the family does not belong to a church but wants a religious funeral, the funeral director will recommend a pastor. The funeral director usually will get a clergyperson who best fits their needs. In this case, the clergyperson may not be notified until the actual funeral is being planned.

In either case, the clergyperson should be asked when his or her schedule would permit the funeral to be held. They should not be told the funeral is going to be held at a particular time and asked if he or she can officiate.

The Friends' Role

Funerals bring families and friends together for mutual support. Your grieving friends may not have a chance to tell you, but your presence could mean more to them than you will ever realize.

Show them you care about them with a hug, a firm handshake or a gentle pat on the shoulder. Just say "I'm sorry," don't try to come up with profound statements about life and death. Don't say, "I know how you feel," because you don't. The grief each person feels depends on the relationship he or she had with the deceased, and no two relationships are exactly alike.

If your friends are suffering through the death of a baby, don't try to comfort them by telling them it may have been for the best and don't say things like, "You can always have another baby." They are feeling sad because they've lost this baby, and one child cannot replace another.

It is very important for your friend to talk about the death so he or she can accept it. Remember, your friend may show a variety of reactions to death—anger, guilt or depression. In any case, it is important to express emotions; this is one step in resolving grief. You as a friend can help the most by listening, not by changing the subject.

You can help in many ways. Grieving is hard work, and it can last a long time. Your friend is still under a great deal of pressure, and you can lighten the load by offering to do laundry, cook dinner or even baby-sit.

If your friend recently became a widow or widower, he or she may feel isolated. You can help by calling with an invitation to dinner or to some social functions. If your friend refuses this time, wait a few weeks and try again. Don't wait for him or her to call you; your friend may feel too awkward to reach out to anyone.

Remember that the death of someone close can change a person. Your friend's life has been torn apart, and putting it back together may mean finding a new role in life or a new way of looking at himself or herself. This can change the relationship you have with your friend. But what is most important is that the friendship remains.

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ETIQUETTE

One of the reasons why people are so uncomfortable at a wake or funeral is because they’re not sure about what to do or say. Fear of making a mistake often caused people to avoid the situation altogether. Here is some advice that can help you support a grieving friend or family member.

When hearing the news

• Be a good listener. Let friends and family talk about their loved one and their death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them.
• Focus on the survivor’s needs.
• Refer to the deceased by name.
• Encourage the family to plan a wake, funeral and burial (even if cremated), if you are in an appropriate position to do so.
• Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to a charity or an appropriate research organization.
• Acknowledge the deceased’s life.
• Ask to help make arrangements.

During the services

After the services

Don’ts

What to say

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

Don’t say